Things I Should Make Very Clear

Things I should make very clear as you scroll through my OkCupid profile, things I should say on there, things I should tell you up front before you go any further and do something stupid like message me or something: 

1. I am married. I know my profile says that already, but really I feel it is worth repeating and maybe by saying it again I will get closer to the real heart of what that means. You have no idea, really, you have absolutely no idea what that even means, marriage. I'm telling you right now, you have no idea. 

2. I like the feel of apples crushing under my shoes on the sidewalk.  It's a fixation of mine. I can't help myself. Surely you can understand that, the idea that you just can't help yourself with? 

3. I dream of pigeons and umbrellas raining from the sky. I dream of battleships and doctors and cats and my family. I dream of what comes after and what comes before. I dreamed long before I met you, I will dream long after you are gone. I dream alone.

4. I walk away sometimes. I get lost, or I trip over my feet and I stumble off onto a dirt path that I didn't see before, hidden in the trees there. Don't try to follow me; if you love me, let me go. If you love me, let me know. Just don't expect that I'll say it back. I do, I really do, think that you can love more than one person at one time. But I'm a little busy here, you know, trying to learn to love myself. I take up so much of my time. 

5. I am human. 

6. I am human. 

7. I am human. 

8. I might not cry when I tell you goodbye. I might not cry when we fight, either, and I won't hold it against you that you will. I just can't, and won't, force what isn't there. I might not have a reason. I might have reasons too many. But how far can someone go if they are always looking back, and how far can someone go if they never look back, and either way it happens, whichever way it is that you end up in the rear view mirror, then maybe, perhaps just maybe that is where you belong. I won't come looking for you. 

9. I might never tell you the truth. It's so easy to lie. 

10. I might never lie to you. You won’t be able to tell the difference.